Creating order when you can is a form of power; orderly habits and an orderly mind will bring you clarity and peace. Creating order is ground work: Put the order in place first, then everything that follows will flow more smoothly, and when chaos inevitably happen your orderly mind will be free to handle it with equanimity.
You cannot completely organize the chaos in your life but you can create a balance between the two, finding stability with order and using chaos as an impetus for growth. Too much order borders on obsession - I can accept that a certain amount of disorder is healthy and normal, and aim for just enough order to feel like I'm creating meaning, and accomplishing many of my priorities. (I wrote a whole book on this topic, called "Get Your Ducks in a Row." )
1. Habits of an orderly mind
2. My co-regulation plan
3. Household order
4. Simple steps for this week
One form of chaos is the messy, disordered, jumbled thoughts bouncing around in my head. I can’t make sense of things when my mind is racing, and obsessing."It is amazing how much both happiness and efficiency can be increased by the cultivation of an orderly mind, which thinks about a matter adequately at the right time rather than inadequately at all times. When a difficult or worrying decision has to be reached, as soon as all the data are available, give the matter your best thought and make your decision; having made the decision, do not revise it unless some new fact comes to your knowledge. Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile." -Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness.
So one of the most useful habits of an orderly mind is to let go of the vicious cycle of worry. But how do you train your brain to repeatedly bring itself to a state of order and calmness, without being obsessive-compulsive about it?
What I need is a mental-set that can sift out distractions, help me to notice fatigue and over-excitement, and improve my memory and my self-control.One idea I like comes from Dr. Mark Steinberg's blog: Practice the habit of permeability, that is, seeing events and circumstances from different points of view, becoming involved and then letting go of an issue so that it can filter through you rather than get stuck in your mind. "By practicing permeability, you become more flexible, which allows you to problem-solve and tolerate frustration much more effectively".
Last year I looked at some self-regulation skills to help with procrastination. This year, I'm going to focus on patience, and how to best talk to a sensitive 3-year-old. I don't think he can be expected to manage his anger if I can't manage mine!
The top goal is to be a positive role model; regulate myself while helping him to learn self-regulation.
1. Pause and breathe. Every situation will require a different response, but what they share is a big PAUSE to slow the whole thing down and avoid responding in a reactive fashion. I don't need to say anything - just breathe. Then move on to validation; or if I've got time, I can practice deep breathing for a bit: Say, "Oh, I'm feeling pretty stressed out. 'When I want to feel happy, I just breathe.'"
2. Validate my feelings and his feelings: Show how it looks to manage my emotions and behavior. Recognize, identify, and label my feelings; for example, say, “I feel frustrated when you ignore my directions, and I feel like yelling, but I'm going to take a deep breath and say, ‘It’s okay, I’ll try again.’”
Show empathy for his feelings; say, "I get it - you wish you could keep playing! You’re frustrated that your brother wants your toys; you don't want to leave... I get it."
3. Observe and adjust: Notice if the verbal validation helps or not, and adjust by adding a little more verbal validation, or a little physical comfort, or if it's not working, PAUSE and breathe again. Hold the boundary (no hitting, etc.), but wait to re-engage.
4. Don't hover - give space: Watch and engage for a couple minutes of co-regulation, and then follows through with “I’m gonna go work on cleaning up my kitchen mess. I’m not excited about it, but I’ll get it done.” (modeling healthy coping aloud). “Let me know when the toys are picked up and we can (next thing to look forward to)".
3. Household Order:
February is when I feel a big urge to purge and simplify every room in the house - to keep only the things I need and find beautiful, and give away the rest. Clearing even a small space, like my sock drawer or kitchen table, gifts me with a feeling of peace and joy. This month I've been reexamining all my stuff one room at a time, to see what else I'm ready to let go of.
Last week I cleared some of my kitchen shelves and drawers. This week my focus is the living room:
- Put away most of the knick knacks and dust the surfaces, then add back a minimal amount of decoration for late winter;
- Re-order the grandson toys, books, and crafts;
- Clear away extra coats and shopping bags; find a new way to stow gloves and hats.
4. Simple Steps for this week:
One of my intentions for Lent is to set myself some simple living steps for growth each week to be more down-to-earth. It's important to me that these don't become just more things for me to do! So this week:
1. Put things away immediately: “Don’t put it down, put it away.” This is an integrity ritual - the practice of cleaning up after myself and putting everything back in its home spot. This goes for my shoes, clothes, food shopping, craft items, garden tools, and so on.
2. Put 10 things away: Whenever I move around the house I collect 10 things to put away in different rooms.
3. Give away 10 things: Every day find 10 things I'm ready to give away, and put them into recycling, garbage or give away.
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