Winter Transitions Retreat

Winter is beginning to wain; though we are having very cold nights and icy mornings, I see more and more greenery, and bulbs are popping up. Winter is making a slow transition to spring.

Also, the new moon is coming, and Lent. I'm on the cusp of a new phase of study and action; it's time to sum up what I've learned about receptivity, and prepare for a shift. Today I will take a retreat for transitions.

1. Read about loving kindness

2. Manage my strengths

3. Ponder the Relationship Dance

4. Prepare for Lent

5. Prepare to plant

1. Read about loving kindness:

I'm reading "The sacred Art of Lovingkindness; Preparing to practice," by Rabbi Rami Shapiro (2015). Last week I read about the third attribute of Loving-kindness: Realizing your own creativity, tapping into a creative way of thinking, and engaging each moment fresh and unmarked by your past; I cannot be truly loving unless I go within myself to find my uniqueness, then engage the world in a way that is uniquely and creatively mine.

Chapter 3 is Fearless Compassion: Harvesting Kindness through Compassionate Honesty. Rabbi Shapiro says, "I don't think lovingkindness is about being nice. I believe it is about being fearless.  ... The greatest kindness one can offer another is compassionate honesty. That is to say, to allow the other to see the consequences of her actions without imposing any judgement or prejudices of your own. It is this seeing that transforms the seer". 

He explains that we can't change anyone, even ourselves: What changes us is our encounter with reality. When we really become aware of what we do and how it impacts the world, then we are ready to change. You can't manipulate anyone into mindfulness; you can only be honest in a gentle, loving way, and that might reveal something new. 

That kind of compassionate honesty takes a lot of courage, because you need to be willing to feel another's pain and respond to it deeply, but not take it on as your own. You want to be open to the pain but not trapped by it (and equally by the other's fear, joy, anger, guilt, or ecstasy). 

He calls this "God's compassion," which extends to all creatures, sentient and non-sentient, animate and inanimate. 

2. Manage my strengths:

I've learned that every human strength has a point at which it becomes excessive, and then it is no longer useful and can even be hurtful. Because excess is the exaggeration of a strength you have, you will never completely get rid of it, but you can moderate and manage it, and learn to be comfortable with the times you slip into excess.

For example, I am analytical and can see quickly in my mind how any plan will play out. I'm a good judge of the pros and cons, and can often give good advice. But this kind of analysis is simply not appropriate or useful all of the time, and, pared up with my strong need for truth-telling, it can be a big problem. When I use my analysis to shoot down ideas, or silence dreamers, I've gone into excess.

I've become a pretty good manager of this strength, but it took me way too long to even realize that I had a problem. I've learned to bite my tongue (some of the time) and say, "You could be right"; I've learned to take the time to listen to understand, encourage brainstorming, and ask before offering my advice. Because I'm aware now of this particular habit, I can, and do, apologize when I go into excess and think I might have hurt someone's feelings.

Today I made a list of some of my other strengths and how they can sometimes become exaggerated. A couple stand out as those I can work on this next month:

I am organized, and I enjoy researching, sorting, and ordering the information, but then I can get so excited that I share too much information with anyone who will listen, and overwhelm others with the details, ignoring their obvious lack of interest. 

 

I am able to maintain an historical perspective, and know the tried-and-true "way we do things," but I am sometimes resistant to any move to a new way of doing things.

 

3. Ponder the Relationship Dance:

I've been keeping a Love journal this month, thinking about my personality style, and how to grow a better relationship with the world. But relationships are a dance with partners, who have their own styles, strengths, and excesses. If I bump up against someone in the wrong way, I might send them reeling into excess, which will possibly spark my own spiral into excess, and it can become a crazy dance pretty fast.

The relationship dance is complex, and it helps to take some time to practice the steps. If you are having conflict or discomfort with another person on a regular basis, you might find yourself saying, "I just don't understand where he's coming from." And that is exactly the problem: You don't understand his style, his strengths, or what pushes him into excess; but you can use your instincts and a little thought to figure it out.

The most common factors leading to excess are physical factors: Hunger, lack of sleep, illness, hormones, and stress. The list below shows generalized examples of other factors, divided into four personality styles. (Note that its normal for people to fall into more than one style):

1. Methodical Analyzer Styles might get excessive if they are pressured to hurry or make quick changes; are not taken seriously; are faced with emotional confrontation; or are asked to do something embarrassing. (This is me!)

2. Easy-going Accommodating Styles might get excessive if they perceive unfriendliness or disapproval; have an intense confrontation; have too little structure; feel stifled by deadlines; or if others reinforce their clowning.

3. Achieving Leader Styles might get excessive if they are slowed down or blocked from action; are not feeling challenged, or get bored; are not put in charge, or do not get a responsive following; or are mocked or insulted.

4. Uniting Perfectionist Styles might get excessive if they are asked to go it alone; are criticized or belittled; if others cut corners or don't maintain high standards; feel taken advantage of; or are unable to do the excellent job they want to do.

Many of the people in my life are Accommodators, and do not like confrontation, disapproval, or deadlines; for someone like me, who is straightforward (blunt) and deadline motivated, it feels like I'm always walking on eggshells, which gets exhausting! But that's part of the dance - I need to constantly practice how to say what needs saying in a softer, less direct way, without inserting time pressures. Using "I-statements" helps, because no one can quibble with how I feel.

4. Prepare for Lent:

Lent starts next week. At Lent I spend time each day in focused study and prayer, I choose something to fast from, and I also observe Lent as a time of creative action. Today I'll begin to discern my theme for Lent.

What is the big thing I want to learn and attend to this season? How do I want to grow? 

What is a good symbolic thing to temporarily reduce or cut out of my life, as a reminder of how I want to grow?

From my journal: I'm attending to being rooted to the deep places in my soul, to my ancestors, and to the land I live on. To be rooted means I belong here, strong and grounded, solidly living in the Now, connected to the Divine Whole, and radiant in peace, in health and resilience. Being rooted gives me a secure sense of who I am and where I belong; I am firmly planted, sunk in, feet on the ground, and the earth is steady. 

So, this Lent I want to continue to explore my relationship to the natural world and the cycles of the seasons, the history, culture, and ecosystem of my valley, and the responsibility I feel for the animal and plant people. I'm still looking for a good book to read to help with this focus. (I'm leaning towards using a selection of internet sources.)

This year, like last year, I'm going to fast from all new plastic, and I'll continue to experiment with plastic alternatives. (I've been writing a Plastics Challenge calendar, that I'll post here.)

And I also observe Lent as a time of creative action. Today I will begin to discern and define some actions to take during Lent.

5. Prepare to plant:

2022 Pea bed and tepee.

Since I can't predict the weather, I always turn and prepare the pea bed on a clear day some time in advance of pea planting day (February 22), to be ready. 

As I loosen the soil in the pea bed, I remember that plowing is a sacred act of connection to the Earth Spirit, and to my farmer ancestors back in time.