Invite Equanimity

I long for equanimity, but instead I own this ongoing emotional reactivity: I'm feeling fine, maybe a little tired, and someone says something that pushes a button and I'm suddenly tense and angry; I over-react, I snap out a response, and say something I later regret. I do it to my spouse, my children, grandchildren, friends, and to complete strangers.

In that moment, my perceptions of the situation are altered. The emotional charge prevents me from seeing the situation clearly and calmly. I'm not listening, or analyzing, and I'm not aware of the love I have inside. My emotions and defenses are driving my behaviors.

I've worked and worked on this, and have definitely improved, but not enough. While I want to be accepting of myself, I also deeply desire to be a calmer person. 

I intend to continue to work at growing my equanimity by practicing a Formula for Calm (breath, name feelings, time out), using a trigger journal, and nurturing active listening skills, because I want less unnecessary emotional disturbance, a better relationship with my loved ones, and I want to understand people clearly and honestly. 

Agenda:

1. Formula for Calm

2. Trigger journal

3. Emotions list

4. Read "Comfortable with Uncertainty"

1. Formula for Calm:

The advice to use active listening, paraphrasing, and I-statements isn't helpful if I can't catch myself before I snap - I'm like a two-year-old with a hair-trigger tantrum. I need a formula for calming myself quickly.

1. BREATH: Take a slow, deep breath into my stomach for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds, and then release breath for 3 second. This is one of the most effective ways to calm down because it promotes slow, even oxygen flow through my body – which in turn helps produce endorphins. 

2. Name my feelings: when I identify the exact emotion that is driving me, specific parts of my brain are activated that help me cope with those feelings. Take a moment to get at the precise emotion (am I irritated, confused, frustrated, or just exhausted?).

3. TIMEOUT: if I'm still feeling heated or overwhelmed, let the other person know that I need to take a few minutes to calm down and think. Do this before I say something I will regret! Give them a specific amount of time when I will come back and finish the conversion. 

2. Trigger journal:

Emotional reactivity can sometimes seem like a whirlwind of emotion but there’s usually just a few triggers that cause one to react. I can start to identify the things that set me off the most, and become aware of what happens inside my mind and body when I encounter them.

This next week I'm going to take a moment after each time I react, and quickly write down what happened - write:

• the exact thing that triggered me;
• the body signals I noticed (my heartbeat increases, shoulders and jaw tighten, stomach clenches...);
• the emotion I felt (powerless, defensive, ashamed, abandoned, rejected, overwhelmed, etc.);
• my thoughts at the time (I’ve screwed again, he's trying to belittle me, it's not fair, etc.);
• and what else contributed (being in a hurry, being over-tired, having a difficult day, etc.);

Later, I'll go back and try to analyze the deeper issue that really got under my skin.

If I can do this every time I'm reactive for a week, then categorize what things set me off most frequently, I can begin to put together a thoughtful plan of action to execute - ways to avoid the stresses that continually trigger me.

3. Emotions list

The most challenging part of naming my emotions is developing a vocabulary of emotion words so I have the appropriate word for each emotion. When I don’t have a word to describe a particular emotion, both me and the person I'm speaking with won’t be able to fully understand my experience. 

When I feel heard and understood I will begin to feel calm and safe. Take some time to learn more emotional words and begin labeling all my emotions more accurately.

Difficult/Unpleasant Feelings
ANGRY	DEPRESSED	CONFUSED	HELPLESS
irritated	lousy	upset	incapable
enraged	disappointed	doubtful	alone
hostile	discouraged	uncertain	paralyzed
insulting	ashamed	indecisive	fatigued
sore	powerless	perplexed	useless
annoyed	diminished	embarrassed	inferior
upset	guilty	hesitant	vulnerable
hateful	dissatisfied	shy	empty
unpleasant	miserable	stupefied	forced
offensive	detestable	disillusioned	hesitant
bitter	repugnant	unbelieving	despair
aggressive	despicable	skeptical	frustrated
resentful	disgusting	distrustful	distressed
inflamed	abominable	misgiving	woeful
provoked	terrible	lost	pathetic
incensed	in despair	unsure	tragic
infuriated	sulky	uneasy	in a stew
cross	bad	pessimistic	dominated
worked up	a sense of loss	tense
boiling
fuming
indignant

4. Read "Comfortable with Uncertainty":

I'm looking again at "Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion", by Pema Chödrön (2002). The last time my world fell apart this book caught me and saved me.

The theme throughout this book is training in tenderness for life, called bodhichitta. "We train in the bodhichitta practices in order to become so open that we can take the pain of the world in, let it touch our hearts, and turn it into compassion."

Chapter 11 is Four Qualities of Maitri. "Meditation takes us just as we are, with our confusion and our sanity. This complex acceptance of ourselves as we are is a simple, direct relationship with our being. We call this maitri."

She goes on to describe the four qualities of maitri that we develop with meditation:

1. Steadfastness: Sitting everyday exhibits my dependable, committed friendship with myself.
2. Clear seeing: I open my eyes to my true nature with greater honesty.
3. Experiencing my emotional distress: I practice leaning in and staying with the emotions I am experiencing.
4. Attention to the present moment: I make a choice, moment by moment, to be fully present and tender with myself, with others, and with the world.

"These four factors ... are essential to all the bodhichitta practices and for relating to difficult situations in our daily lives."