Self-Cultivation

I've been reviewing some of the transformative habits I've developed over the years. Earlier this month I wrote about spiritual growth and awareness practices, and now I will touch on self-cultivation and self-management.

Self-cultivation starts with knowing yourself. My favorite assessment tool is the Friendly Style Profile personality system, an inventory of your personality strengths and excesses. The categories are easier to learn than some profile systems, but flexible enough to be inclusive of every unique individual.

When I learned this system it changed my life, because I finally gained clarity about why I get into repeated conflicts in certain similar situations, how my behaviors provoke certain people, and also what my strengths and preferences are. It helped me to understand the complexity of a personality, the underlying logic of my responses to situations, and ultimately helped me to tone down my most troublesome responses and behaviors. 

Personality tools give you a new perspective and self-awareness, but remember that they are all generalizations and do not define you.

Agenda:

1. Manage myself

2. Start a self-cultivation project

3. Practice virtue habits

1. Manage myself:

Every human strength has a point at which it becomes excessive, and then it is no longer useful and can even be hurtful. Because excess is the exaggeration of a strength you have, you will never completely get rid of it, but you can moderate and manage it, and learn to be comfortable with the times you slip into excess.

I'm especially concerned about my style when I'm under pressure: I tend to become excitable, defensive, and stubborn - which usually does not served me well. The underlying strength here is my willingness to confront unfairness and challenge authority in order to protect what I value. Unfortunately, I often go into excess with this strength, and become inflexible, emotional, and self-righteous. 

I've decided that it is high time to learn how to manage this trait of mine, because we are all going to be under excessive stress these next months, and these kinds of behaviors are going to make my family's experience even more stressful.

2: Start a Self-Cultivation Project:

Self-cultivation is a gentle, loving, gardening project: I trim a little here, and feed this and that, so that I will grow a better relationship with the world.

I know that I can't really change my personality - I will continue to be passionate about protecting what I value - but I can moderate my degrees of reaction, build on my strengths, and cultivate and grow the traits I value.

1. Define what I want to change. Set an intention for change, and the deepest reasons why; frame it as strengths to build rather than faults to correct:

I intend to build my ability to face criticism, advice, unfairness, and perceived threats with equanimity, become more flexible and open-minded, become a better listener and practice paraphrasing (in order to understand another's position), because my emotionality, close-mindedness, stubbornness. and self-righteousness adds stress to those I love and inhibits my ability to be a good caretaker.

2. List situations: The next step in managing an excessive behavior or trait is to understand what kinds of situations frequently push me into excess. For this behavior it is criticism, unwanted advice, or a perceived threat or unfairness.

3. List management ideas - specific actions I can take or words I can say to catch myself before I step into the deep end of reactivity:

• Notice the moment when I get a ping - my breathing rate increases, my jaw tightens, I feel heated and immovable.
• Make a big effort to slow down, relax my jaw, and listen.
• Touch my heart and remember those I love.
• Practice paraphrasing - and state the positives of the other's position or ideas.
• Journal about when I have had an opportunity for open-mindedness and flexibility, and when I have used equanimity.
• Celebrate my strength, my willingness to confront unfairness and challenge authority in order to protect what I value.

3. Practice Virtue Habits:
I've got a preliminary plan now to cultivate and manage my character strengths - how to proceed?

Last month when I reviewed spiritual growth, I mentioned that one part of renewing your spirit is to practice virtue habits. Virtue is an old-fashioned word that I have embraced, because it makes me feel noble! Virtue is ethical behavior; it encompasses a wide array of nice habits and behaviors that you can try to build, and which will help you to act with love, and will also renew your soul.

Many years ago I ran across Ben Franklin's system to develop his character (and get his ducks in a row). In 1726, at the age of 20, Ben devised a small chart that he carried with himself, to record his behavior day-to-day, in 13 areas - his 13 virtues - which included temperance, silence, moderation, and chastity. (If you do a Google search you will see that MANY people are interested in Ben's system! You can buy journals and download charts if you want.)

I used this system for one whole year, and found it very useful. I of course collected my own set of virtues to work on, and added them one habit at a time.

Today I'm goin to make a virtue chart with one or two specific habits from my self-cultivation plan. I will write a definition that speaks to me, and is positive and specific so it's a helpful reminder of the good habit I want to develop. I'm going to start with:

1. Equanimity: Have the strength to stay calm, independent of my impulses; not excited or impatient with people or problems, or obsessed with any thought.

2. Listening Awareness: Give attention to those I love (don't interrupt). Listen to understand, and practice paraphrasing (in order to understand another's position).

This little chart will be a useful reminder of the virtue habits I'm trying to build. Each morning, I will think back on the day before and evaluate myself. (Ben used a dot to indicate success. I use a star. Also, I use a frowny-face when I know I blew it.) I don't spend a lot of time on this - it's easy to think back and say, "Oh yeah. I was impatient. (😞) But I used paraphrasing! (⭐)"